Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you work, no matter what you do, everything always just ends up fucked up? That's how I've been feeling
Essentially, I'm in a semi-disasterous state in school I didn't complete my final papers for two of my three classes for myriad reasons I had the flu for a while and I just got massively behind I've been trying to make up the work, but my Sociology professor told me I will definitely be losing credit Which is just great She's demanding more and more work, stomped on my idea for my final project for this semester I wanted to drop her class, but my advisor suggested I stay to try and earn full credit Well, 1/3 of the people in it dropped it So now our discussion-based seminar is even quieter than it already was
The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't know what to do
I'm scared Will I be able to go on with 5 credits missing? Will they not allow me back next year? How on God's earth am I going to find scholarship money with such a shitty academic reputation? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I guess you could say this stress is what caused me to fuck up yesterday I got stoned (as I have been doing for the past 3 weeks) and binged and purged twice Which is awesome, because I'm even angrier at myself now
I'm failing my diet three days in This is pathetic
As usual, I'm not giving up I know it wasn't hunger that lead me to screw up At least, not hunger alone I have to get my life under control, or at least, my emotions There has to be a way I can fix this All of this
I overslept this morning and everyone (my two friends and myself) missed the gym I'm making it up this afternoon after 4 And then going with them whenever they plan to make it up I want a real ass-kicking to punish myself
Maybe that's not right I can't think about this as punishment Everything else seems to be punishing me right now So this is a redemption
I will fast and go to the gym today and tomorrow As my redemption
U P D A T E D 6 . 2 7 P M 45 min treadmill - 430 cal (4 miles) 15 min walk there and back
Please, forgive me, for I have sinned against you.
It has been officially one year since I started this blog Originally, this blog was meant to record my involvement on a "University of EDNOS" diet University of EDNOS is obviously not an actual university It's a website with psuedo-diets for those already suffering from an eating disorder And, consequently, many of the diets are dangerous restriction programmes Like the one I picked out, "Operation Zero." It goes something like this:
Operation Zero Program.
This is a very challenging program that will teach you how to plan your weekly intake and keep track of everything you consume. You have to keep an accurate account of your foods and kilocalorie intake of everything you consume. You will need this so you can add your totals for the end of the week.
Good for People who:
- are good with planning. - already eat really small meals or less than 300 kilocalories a day. - like structured programs. - have already counted or can count kilocalories. - like picking their own foods to eat. - like to fast. - restrict their intake.
Bad for People who:
- have never fasted. - binge or purge frequently. - don't like to count kilocalories. - can't fast, because of health reasons. - are "beginners". - eat more than 300 kilocalories daily.
- you are allowed one fruit or vegetable a day that doesn't count against your kilocalorie intake.
- you have fast on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- this program only gives you Saturday & Sunday off if you would like, but you still have to keep that day under 800 kilocalories.
- everything you eat has to be low fat or fat free. - wheat or whole grain carbs only.
- allowed drinks include water, coffee, diet sodas, 100% natural squeezed juices, Green Tea or herbal teas, 1% or fat-free milk.
- You don't have to count the kilocalories of drinks.
THE WORKOUT: You have to exercise at least 30 minutes a day except for your fasting days. Those will be days off. You can definitely work out more. It's your choice. But if you have to workout on your fasting day: do something light like a nice walk or yoga to relax you.
THE DISTRACTIONS: Write down everything you eat. No matter if you only took a bite. Write down the time, amount, the food type, kilocalories, where you ate it, who was around, and your mood before eating the food.
AN EXAMPLE:
Time. Amount. Food. Kilocalories.
11:46 am 15 gr cornflakes 55 kcal
Where? Who? Mood.
computer brother bored
I did this diet from February-March of last year I don't remember how much weight I lost But I do remember it was the most in control I'd felt in so long It's definitely stupid and psychotic to start up this ultra triggering "diet" (read: restriction regime) again But I don't care I'm at the point where it's do or die, honestly
I am tweaking it a bit I've tried about 1000 times (including going on this diet last year) to quit purging But to no avail Hence, purging will be strongly discouraged on my diet But it will be allowed on Saturday and perhaps Sunday
So far, day 1 of Operation Zero, and of my work out regiment, is a success 1/2 small pear - 40.5 cal 1/2 package veggie sushi - 98 cal 25 min treadmill - 250 cal (2.33 miles) 30 min elliptical - 270 cal (2.45 miles) 24 plié squats (w/ 3 lbs weight) 24 lunges (w/ 3lbs weight) 75 crunches 5 min of stretching
I'm going to update intake after class As for right now, I'm off for a shower Have a good day, won't you?
Oh, you know what they say When all else fails, restrict. All else is failing, so I guess I have no choice.
I have so much to do I have to figure out how I'm going to come back here next year My dad says, and I quote, "You're wasting your time. You're not mature enough to do this. You don't want to do the hard work."
I hate the internet sometimes It allows my dad to be hundreds or miles away and still yell at me via webcam He's talking about my capacity to do my school work, but is it weird that I think it also applies to my weight loss? I love a challenge I love nothing more than a motherfucking challenge.
I'm starting over Which works out because it's been a year since I started writing this When all else fails, go back to the beginning.
I drafted up a schedule with my two friends It includes hour long work-outs x3 a week (for our PE credit, of course) 2 hour study sessions every night We even planned when we'll have free time, Topped off with a suggested 11 PM bedtime. Juvenile? Perhaps, but it's what I need right now An exact schedule that doesn't include food.
Starting Monday, I plan to return to the ludicrous 200 calorie diet I was on this time last year Including fasting on "u" days (Tuesday and Thursday) which are, incidentally, my "rest" days Drug use and bulimia have been relegated to the weekend.
With any luck, I'll also return to regularly using this blog More for my own benefit, I suppose. It's been verging on inactive since I started school in the fall. I suppose it will also be coming full circle, right back to what I originally intended it for.
Everything is tied up now: School work, diet, exercise It's all there in one big, stupid package marked, "Success" I have to do this, or I will fail
I've had this eating disorder for a good long time But sometimes, I just can't take it
I spent a lot of today watching Intervention, mostly ones about eating disorder sufferers And their families insist that the eating disorder is holding them back from achieving more in life Well mine doesn't
No, I go to work, I go to school, I don't eat, I come home and binge and purge And I do it all with a fucking smile on my face Yep, my eating disorder is functional and I've been so pleased about it But today, all of a sudden, I got pissed
Why? Why do I do this? Why am I so absorbed by this stupid, asinine behaviour? Why can't I just give it up and move on with my life Because you know, sometimes, I want so badly to just move on with my life I am so much more than this stupid fucking eating disorder I just want to go a day not worrying about my weight or what I will or will not eat I just want to be a normal fucking human being and eat like a normal fucking human being And not puke the food up afterward or feel like a fucking fat fuck failure if I don't puke
But you know what? I won't recover I will go home, eat, and puke And that's what I will being doing until my fucking esophagus ruptures or until I have a heart attack I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it I need to suck it up and deal I need to lose more fucking weight
Maybe someday I won't have to worry about this bullshit Maybe someday I'll be thin enough
Story of the year: I haven't been posting regularly
I suppose I'm sorry, if you happen to be a habitual reader I doubt you are; I don't see how anyone could read this nonsense on the regular But in any event It really has been hard for me lately All I can think about is going home
I have no energy I have no passion I guess I can't find the motivation to care
It might have something to do with the fact that the therapist I've been seeing has basically stabbed me in the back Health services lured me in in September, saying it would only be for 3 sessions and group therapy And here it is, 8 sessions later
Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, I was completely honest in therapy I told myself that I had moved past my issues (ha.) That I was doing things differently this time I guess I considered it a mark of my progress, or growth, or maturity or something
My therapist has lots of freckles and friendly green eyes She's tall and she thanks me for being so open She compliments my style and says she "values me a person" I felt safe in her office, like I could be honest I let my guard down My first mistake.
She's been pressuring me to have a medical consultation for two weeks At first, she said she was concerned because I eat one meal a day and purge it She said that it was important to know where I stand, medically, for my "well-being" and "quality of life" Now, she's changed her tune.
I hadn't scheduled the consultation when we met Monday, Not because of my genuine terror of being weighed, poked and prodded at No, because I'm too busy, you know, being a college student and tearing my hair out because it's finals week She was clearly annoyed that I hadn't She that the "Team" won't know what to do about further treatment until I have the consult Woah. Wait. Back up.
What "team?" And when, for that matter, did I agree to further treatment? My father's voice started playing in my head: "Caroline, you just couldn't keep your big fucking mouth shut. This is the most important thing in your life and you're letting them take it away. How could you be such a stupid fucking idiot? When will you ever learn?"
I don't know why the eating disorder personified itself in my father's voice Sure, I've heard his voice before when I've fucked up But never with respect to my eating disorder It's always my voice berating me, calling me fat, worthless, out of control There is something about my father's voice that sounds like I'm a child again and I've overstepped the boundaries
I felt sobs clawing their way out of my chest, but I refused to cry in front of her I refused to be vulnerable anymore, to be taken advantage of once again She had taken all of my honesty and reported it back to some faceless "team" And was now using it to sucker me into recovery I was lied to, I was exploited And worst of all, this is my fault All of this is my own fucking fault
What was I thinking?
For years, I've bent over backwards to protect this eating disorder I have looked my mother dead in the eye and lied to her, over and over again I have thrown up, repeatedly, in public bathrooms to cover my tracks Smiled when I felt like I was dying so no one would suspect I have stolen food, thrown food away, obsessed over it, denied myself it Rearranged my entire existence to accommodate this illness And in approximately 8 weeks, I undid it all
When I say I've told this woman everything, I literally mean everything Every gritty, disgusting detail about my behaviours and thought process Why? Besides the fact that I'm an idiot? Because I didn't possibly see how this could come back to bite me in the ass I went into this voluntarily, so surely they can't force me to do anything, right? Wrong.
She called me the next day to see if I'd arranged the appointment I told her flat out that I didn't want anything to do with any of this anymore She asked, "So you're discontinuing treatment?" I said, "I suppose so." I don't know if they can make me do anything without the medical consult But basically, the claws are out No more Ms. Honesty-and-Openness
I have been through too much for these people to march into my life And start rearranging shit in the name of my "well-being" Although I'm devastated because I truly thought my therapist cared about me This experience has proven to me, once and for all, that people in the mental health field, Especially with respect to eating disorders, Could really give a rat's ass about your "well-being" or "quality of life"
They want you to get "better" their way They want you to conform to their graphs and studies and books They think they know everything about you before you say a word because they have a shiny degree But in reality, they don't know anything And they can't help you because it will never ever ever get better And it will never be okay again
They'll fatten you up and hand you some worksheets about coping strategies and send you on your way As long as you're a "healthy" weight (aka a cow), they'll pat you on your head and give you a gold fucking star They don't give a flying fuck how much emotional anguish you're in Oh yes, they'll listen and look all sympathetic, but they can't do a thing to help and it doesn't matter one bit Everything's peaches and cream as long as insurance sends them a nice cheque at the end of the week As far as I'm concerned, their all liars and thieves They smile as they lie right to your face because they're nearly as good at this game as you are
I swear to you on my grandmother's grave I will never trust another one of them again I have learned to live with my eating disorder so far, and I'll make it work until I can't anymore
And there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it
--»eating disorder. defined by refuse. these monsters live inside me, let them out. I Am and this is my demon. this is not for you. you have been my diary in [this] life. This is [the] explanation you will receive for the way I am. [I was] Chosen to change. If you understand, I don’t have to explain.
"Not strong
Only aggressive Not free
We only licensed Not compassioniate
Only polite
Now who the nicest?
Not good
But well behaved Chasin' after death
So we can call ourselves brave? Still livin' like mental slaves
Hidin' like thieves in the night from life Illusions of oasis makin' you look twice
