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|  So I suppose this is a liquid fast
Due to reasons mentioned before
The sight of food nauseates me
I can't bring myself to eat
Although hunger pangs are ripping through my chest and stomach
It's been forty-three hours
I've had a bottle of Arizona Iced tea
A few sips of Diet Coke laced with rum (unbeknowst to me)
I'll probably have another iced tea
Perhaps more of the diet coke
I'm not going to call this a proper fast because I don't want to jinx myself
What's more, this feels different
Every time I've ever fasted, it has begin because I didn't want to eat
This... this feels as if it's against my will
As if I can't eat
And I don't know if it's the latent effects of the drugs
I was assured by one of my roommates that I'd be starving in the morning
My friends were absolutely famished all day, having used all of their meals for the week
I gave them the last three of mine left on my meal plan
They looked at me as if they were astonished
Concerned, they said, "Cary, you haven't eaten all day... are you sure?"
To which I replied honestly, "I couldn't eat if I wanted to,"
It's god awful how benevolent I felt, giving them my meals
I didn't deserve to feel that way
Because inside that benevolence, there was an all consuming feeling of superiority
Like a part of myself shouting over and over again:
"I don't have to eat, and you do!"
It's sick how much pleasure I get thinking of all the food I could be eating and then feeling ill over them
I don't know how long this will last
But something has definitely changed
On a slightly unrelated note, I was perusing facebook today
Checking up on some of my high school "friends"
I was actually a bit shocked at some of the transformations
My former best friend has gained quite a bit
I thought my "Freshman Fifteen" was bad, but I've gained some perspective
I'll post two photos to exemplify the transformation
Although she was never a very good friend to me, I would never want to humiliate her
I may be sick, but I am not cruelSo I've tried to take measures to conceal her identity
[photos and the rest of the entry here] | | |
| Healthy people will not understand this
[*substance use mentioned, please read with caution*]
First of all, I have to say that I don't condone or encourage drug abuse
And although desperate times do often call for desperate measures
This is a case of do as I say, not as I do
This week, I have been on something everyday
It's terrifying, but I've decided out of all of it
I prefer coke
The thing about coke is that it's massively expensive, so I can only do it with my friends
And I can't get it on my own because my friends have the dealer's numbers
And yet, I know you shouldn't fuck around with this shit
I know how easy it is to become addicted to cocaine, so it's asinine to say "I won't get addicted,"
However, that's not the point
Addiction is not the point
The rush is not the point
The high is not the point
You have to understand something about these last two months here for me
Bulimia had governed everything
Eat, throw up, eat, throw up, eat, throw up
I joined an eating disorder support group on campus
And it has allowed me to admit to my behaviour
It has allowed me to connect with people, face to face, and discuss how this disorder has rocked my life
And all the while, I have been getting fatter and fatter and fatter
It's getting absurd
I must be approaching 140 lbs but I'm too terrified to step on the scales
I haven't weighed this much since Ana got me in her clutches
And I can't fucking handle it
Every effort I have made to get back in control has blown up in my face
I can't take anymore fucking failure and I refuse to be this weight anymore
The point of this entire entry is that last night we did a few lines
And I wasn't hungry again
It was like magic
My anorectic ways have come rushing back to me
I can't do anymore for a long while
I don't have the cash for it, and besides that, I don't intend to make this a habit
But I haven't eaten all day today and I feel amazing
I feel like I never need to eat again
For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful
Obviously, I didn't meet my goal for Halloween
I fell off the fucking wagon on ABC
I've failed, failed, failed
But now I've experienced the rush of an empty belly again
The rush of feeling like you don't need to eat
This is the feeling you get from fasting
I can feel this way again
The point of this is not that everyone should run out and do cocaine
Because that's absolutely foolish, I would never wish that on anyone
In fact, if you can avoid it, please do
The point of this is not that I love coke and I want to do it all the time
Because I don't and I couldn't even if I wanted to
And I absolutely don't want to
The point is that this experience has reawakened me
I don't need food
I don't need it at all
What a fantastic revelation this is
I don't need to eat
I don't need to throw up
The last time I really felt this way was when my eating disorder began
When I first felt what it was like to not need food
I feel like I can do this again
I feel like I've been reborn
"There's a world undefined
In my body and mind
I wont be left behind
I'm
already
here"
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| Ana Boot Camp Day 1 [Thinspo Post]
So firstly, thanks for all the support I received from my last post
I fully intend to return it to the best of my abilities
I have a folder on my computer filled with nearly 1000 thinspo photos and graphics
To show my gratitude, I thought I'd arrange a thinspo post
I haven't done one in ages, so it seems appropriate
A little extra motivation to help us all along, you know?
They're mostly photos I've seen around xanga and have fallen in love with
So I don't claim to be "original"
I hope you'll be as inspired as I am
Please, take and utilise each photo or graphic as you wish :]
Quickly, though, before I get to the main attraction
I'd like to run down my intake so far
We have a short break this week, so most of my friends have gone home
AKA no one to eat with
I'd like to get through the day on just liquids
Or at the very least, well under the prescribed 500 calories:
 1/2 cup of coffee with milk = [approx] 10 cal
10:09 PM
Another cup of coffee with milk = 25 cal
I'm really starving, but there is no point eating now...
 NoneI'm probably going to take it easy on the working out
Ease myself into ABC, you know?
Next week, I have a twice-a-week cardio kickboxing class
That runs through the duration of my diet
I'd also like to supplement it with some morning work outs
I just need to orient myself at the gym...
It's weird. I feel so totally in control all of a sudden.
I feel like I can do this.
I'm getting my shit together, finally.
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|  Are you ready to jump? Ana's Boot Camp
We've all heard about it
We've all tried it
Have any of us ever completed it?
I know I haven't.
A bunch of my friends and subs are starting the ABC diet this coming Monday
And guess what? So am I
It's so absurd. I've tried ABC countless times
The longest I went was 16 days
I lost about 10 pounds
I wondered, is it possible to finish ABC? Has anyone every made it all the way through?
It's not the hardest pro-ana diet out there
Hell, most of us have been on harder diets and stuck to them
Many ED suffers stick to restriction regiments like ABC without a second thought
It's just natural, inherent
But when it comes to ABC, a lot of us crumble
What's daunting about ABC for me is the schedule:
Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
Day 3: 300 calories
Day 4: 400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: Fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: Fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: Fast
Day 21: 300 calories
Day 22: 250 calories
Day 23: 200 calories
Day 24: 150 calories
Day 25: 100 calories
Day 26: 50 calories
Day 27: 100 calories
Day 28: 200 calories
Day 29: 200 calories
Day 30: 300 calories
Day 31: 800 calories
Day 32: Fast
Day 33: 250 calories
Day 34: 350 calories
Day 35: 450 calories
Day 36: Fast
Day 37: 500 calories
Day 38: 450 calories
Day 39: 400 calories
Day 40: 350 calories
Day 41: 300 calories
Day 42: 250 calories
Day 43: 200 calories
Day 44: 200 calories
Day 45: 250 calories
Day 46: 200 calories
Day 47: 300 calories
Day 48: 200 calories
Day 49: 150 calories
Day 50: Fast  Fifty days worth of calories blocked out just like that
It scares the crap out of me
In the first week, you eat an average of 257.14 calories a day
A total of 1800 calories, less than what a healthy person eats in a day
And that's about as much as it gets
While the length of time is intimidating
There is so much comfort in knowing exactly how many calories you're meant to have for that day
A lot of us with eating disorders need that certainty
It takes the complication out of eating
It gives us safety and rhythm
You don't need to binge or fuss over the day's consumption
It's right there, all planned out for you
And if you're a good girl (or boy) you'll be skinny when it's over
It's the perfect road map
It takes us right where we want to go
It takes us to the unattainable, to perfection
It leads directly to thin
But does it work?
In my quest to satiate my curiosity, I googled "Pro-Ana diet reviews"
And the first link was called "Ana Boot Camp Diet Review"
Of course, biased in the name of "health"
I found the comments at the end of the article most helpful
A number of eating disorder/disordered eating sufferers had chimed in their opinions
And I was shocked to see that a good amount of them had completed the diet:
" ive done it it works  I did this diet about 9 months ago and i lost 20kg on it, lead me to hospitalisation but it was the best 50 days of my whole entire life. i highly recommend it, its great i then later a futher 10kg and was re hospitalised down to 39kg i think, i am now in recovery for anorexia, but dam it was worth it... skinny is priceless. the feeling the look everything about what i went through was priceless, the most valuable time i have had in my life say what you will think what you will abc diet is gold. love. xioxo" [a kilogram is equivalent to 2.2 lbs]
"Works well  Its actually quite easy to follow if you have good will power and don't pig eat like the majority of the population, lost half a stone on this in about 2 weeks (although did go slightly over on some days, stupid family meals)...think i mite do it again. CR (calorie restriction) diets have lots of research to suggest that it improves life span." "brilliant this actually works. i lost over 2 stone. everyone should try it."
[A stone is equivalent to 14 lbs] "i've done it I've done this. Lost about 35-40lbs. i also lost a lot of hair (i had really thick hair) and became anemic. but man it was nice to lose all that extra weight that made me feel like crap. i'd recommend that anyone who wants to do this be very careful. take high quality multivitamins." You get the gist
Basically, from what I gathered, the diet is dangerous, but worth it
For me, it's a matter of getting over my fear
It's a matter of exercising willpower, control, and most importantly, commitment
I think I can do it
If I record my intake each day, I think I should be able to do
God knows I've been through harder
We all have ABC starts, for me, tomorrow
If you're doing it also, we can support each other <3 "Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don’t ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I’m ready to jump
Just take my hands
Get ready to...
Are you ready?" 
xxtake care
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